Will , I

Every fall of the week , I anxiously await the moment when our eyes clash in their sight. It has been days past since that early stare , one that has held me up and cast me down. Although I hope this may not be the treats that I have received in the past which have mold me today. I only hope that this feeling is not bounded to me alone. Which I undyingly care to only have the will to say "Hi."

Rise of Doom

We can see it , we can feel it , we brace for the coming fall . The world is turning far from what most of us want . The things you wish for , for your next of kin slowly washes away . Time has changed what time once had . What was before is never a ring to the now . Those that are caught in the turbulent change are burdened by the strain of Earth's wind of change . What will we and the next generation face ? In the horizon we await the glint of hope to shine ...

And so ..

This post may give you few satisfaction or dare I say , pity, as you read on , as it is about a boy who has failed in his 'responsibilities' in his life. From the beginning he always felt he was meant for something much larger than his humble life , a chance to save his family from the cracks of despair. In which he seems to have done effortlessly , quite progressively good , he gained overconfidence through this deed , it seems a bright light shines in this boy's path. 'Nothing' could have ruined this boy's future to be. Evil reaches in , seeping through the chink of armor in the boy's family. The boy was undoubtedly corrupted and turned , from the great bright light to a meaningless shadow. None are to be blamed as the boy knew it was futile. Determination is meaningless , he thought. This world has brought a weight into his soul bringing him even more down into the depths of the evil abyss of mankind.

Oh , what a great world we have...

Although how much I would have loved spewing profanities inside this post in which I have a very hard time to resist to , I will continue on exacting the deserved punishment for even this is not enough for those trespassed my line of "happiness" for they will receive the honor of my very own system of justice in this blog .

You , the betrayer in which you sneaked behind and stabbed me , for I exact eternal damnation.

You , the prejudicial hypocrite in which you perceive me but discriminate , in me you saw your hated self , for I curse you to burn in suffering as in your reflections until the end of time.

You , the proud naive mortal in which you have chosen to sit with "gods" as you see it fits you , time ticks away from you , may you regret in distress in the afterlife as you have ignorantly put yourself higher above things which even you did not see or comprehend.

And my justice have been served , may the prosecuted find their salvation , for I am not without mercy.

Well ..

It has been for some time that passed without me passing by or even posted in this blog again , or should I say , micro blogging . What should I expect , it was originally established for my rantings , egotistic complains and ungratefulness towards my full life even though I do not see it as it is seen in other people's eyes. Anyway , how many times I have wondered how useful I am in life or did I did do anything significant for anyone . It feels like I have wasted every chance that I had and traded it for momentary happiness which keeps me at least content yet I still feel heavy on burden to be wasted on more useless doings from me . Maybe I should continue that fiction , heh , maybe some motivation would do . I have nothing to achieve for it seems and I do not have anything to reach for . I just need some motivation.

Thanks for reading.

Può venire presto , amore?

The object of things of minuscule things.

True , what you are thinking is true. And you needed me to tell you that? Which probably means what you are thinking is not true at all. But then I might be telling the truth and it was me to tell you that. What point currently I am pointing out is the objectivity of human minds to assume that they can know the truth and lies. In my opinion there are no truth and lies. This is this and this is that. What the human brain , in my opinion , tries to justify the facts and fictions. So it could discern the line which they assume they must not ever stand on , moreover , stand on for a time. This is what I recommend you to do .... stomp on the line , make sure you are on the line , show everyone else that you are on the line. That is the truth.

Chapter 1 : Perceive

CHAPTER 1 : Perceive

The stinging sound of which seems to emanate inside your head shuts your senses to balance the pain you felt yet your accustomed to it , as if you've have been through this , this confusion , this swirl your mind experienced or dazing falling of the dark abyss your mind , for a time felt familiar as if we have been all over this?

Who?

You said we ......

You shake your head to rid of the confusion. You are slumped to the wall at your back. It hurts to even think , for an unknown reason , it is a sharp pain staking the head.
You try to even the situation and try to make a sense of the condition you are in , as basic human instincts usually do. Your eyes weakly seeks out any kind of shape or silhouette , it seems , to your tired eyes , a room , dark-lit and cold ...... you fall to a sleep , too tired to in trying to comprehend the surroundings.

Vision returns to you , woke up once again , the headache is still there , you realize a portion of your memories are missing. But a lot was missing ......
Your name , where you came from , how did you get here. Your hungry , depressed and angry at the fact that you let this happen to you. Something wet and cold flowed down your temple. Blood. Of course its blood you thought. You struggle to lift up your arm , to reach your forehead. The blood is partly dried and wet. You found the source , it was a line of poorly stitched cut. An injury ? An intentional cut? The cut feels too clean , as if it was a surgery yet the stitches are done hastily. Your thinking too much , you calm down and look for something to eat. The atmosphere seems humming and waiting for you in a silent noiseless buzz. This time , you can see more of the room than before with effort though. Amazingly , you got up. Legs failing , your back leans unwillingly to the wall and you droop to the floor. Give up , you thought. After a few moments of silence , sounds inside the room becomes more clear to you , little beeps as it is , in a rhythmic pattern as you listen. From the early perception , steel or plastic crates fill the room , although in it would seem it was messed and ransacked , empty crates won't be much help you thought.

Your shadow accompanies you through the room. Oddly enough , the consoles at the side of the walls of the room seems to be familiar to you. You know what the buttons are for and the functions of each utilities offered by the consoles. You remembered that these consoles are only manufactured for vessels , huge outer space vessels.

One thought provokes you to a run for the ship's bridge. The view outside through the bridge's glassy window , shows you the emptiness of vacuum and space. In the far distance , a multitude number of stars shine and twinkle gracing the void. You are feeling very tense now. Not enough of the shock from the pain , yet being , presumably alone and trapped in a spaceship in the vastness of vacuum with no immediate help whatsoever. You are thinking too much again. An idea popped into your head just after you were thinking up the worst case scenario. The artificial gravity and ventilation of air are produced from the spent power generated by the ship you therefore , there might be a possibility for you to still fly the ship to , maybe , a near habitable planet you thought. You rush towards the consoles for primary power and begin to familiarize yourself with the technology that feels strange yet known to you.

After randomly fiddling controls and pushing buttons , that it might be a bit rushed you thought , then to your surprise a beeping alarm came on. It is a beacon of assort , an emergency beacon to call for help through subspace or maybe just surrounding the nearest system. This could turn bad or , you hope , a decent rescue for you. You left the beacon beeping as you thought it is better than being trapped in the abandoned ship. As you wait with with doubt and worry , you explore the ship.

As time shows it to your perceptions.

Prelude

"I could not let go , I would not." These are the last words of a man left with seemingly impossible choices to choose. He had no more to live for except for the last thing he could still hold close to him. Humans are known for holding on to what they truly cherish but most humans do not even try to comprehend what is dear to them until they face the real danger of losing the supposedly cherished thing that we most of us take for granted of. This foible of ours a majority of us do not realize that it is in all of us , those who claims that they truly cherish something that they love shows that they are unable , yet , of appreciating.

Adrianis Kross , as he is known to his friends and family back before when .......

Last Saturday , the day of days of my days .

That was the day when I thought less of other days. I got out finally. And this time it was not because I had something needed to do but actually I wanted to do. I had done two things , that day , two awesome things. Let go to it chronologically , the first was almost exciting , since I did not go into the field but fun none the less. What was the thing I did? It was paintball. I've seen it several times before but not firsthand. The downside was I only got to target shoot. It was free of charge , a promotion by the facility owner but there was no feel comparing playing in the field I would assume. By the way , playing in the field needs registration and payment. In which I am not in a financial position to join in as of the nearest time. The facility is new and recently opened. As I have heard , it is the only local indoor paintball facility. Well , talk is talk , in this case words are words , here are some proofs.

Most of the rifles are being used in the field right now....


I am definitely going back there someday when papers denoted as currency are in my pocket :D.

The second of my doing was going out with some friends. Well I just don't seem to see any good elaborating this so I will just describe it with this blog's words. It was a nice change to the usual I had daily. We went out and watched a band battle. It was exciting , we had fun , laughed , felt joy and met with some more friends. I don't feel like posting anymore of this. That's it , taa!

Moons and Stars

Once again , this is one of tales that will not end happy nor ever after , just plain sad and pathetic. There was this boy , lets call him Chris. And there was this girl he really liked , really liked. Lets call her , Rose. Chris truly cared for her. But she was oblivious , probably intentionally ignorant. She had others in her mind. Still , Chris only had her to think , to fight and to live on. Chris endured a harsh life , poor Chris .... still alive to endure torment what he thought is life. Chris lived a lonely life , his family was long gone. He was poisoned with negativity and sadness. Chris had a hard time to express himself to Rose , but he would have in anyway to find it hard to express his feelings to any other girls. Few people understood Chris .. but the reality is , Rose knew what or how Chris felt for her. She knew , yes she knew. She dismisses this feeling he had for her. Always putting up a wall between her and him. She denies that feeling , in turn denying him. Then that day came , when she truly blocked him out , as if he was some kind of a diseased , a broken or.... a flawed soul.

Chris was unfortunately imperfect , but the void could have been filled by her presence in his life. That void slowly devouring him from the inside , unable to be satisfied , it consumed him. He was pale and grieving. Consequently , his life is disordered. Due to this he was pressured to get back on his feet. But failed , all this failure had amounted to an unacceptable burden. It was clear to him , "I tire of this ." he said. One last call , to her. "Hello ...?". The line was hanged up. He would usually thought that the phone was faulty. But this time , he knows , yes he knows.
He grabs a pen and paper. " You are the moon , and the stars are meant to beautify you more . You are out of my reach , to hold you would make me feel alive and kill me . You are there to awe and be admired , I am neither . You are everything , I am nothing . " He folded it , at the glint of moonlight , in his room , Chris staked his heart , between the 4th and 5th rib. His death by knife and his last message would be known , if the fire did not start. Chris left his stove on. His burnt corpse truly was incinerated , the blade dropped when his ashed heart crumbled. And so , his tragedy was only known as an accident by the few of his close friends. Those who had attended the funeral. The message that Chris left , never reached Rose .

Death is rarely late , appreciate .

In all of of human life , the undeniable fact that Death is constantly working may horrify some of us but it should not let it defeat our will to live . Some of us are fighting away the thought , some of us are reminded by it each day and some of us strive by dismissing the thought of meeting Death .We fight the thought so the young would fight less , we are reminded each day by the thought so it motivates us to live for our kin and we ignore it so we could savor Life with our kin .

I am certainly not the one that should point out , define and/or rant about Death or Life . I am certainly not experienced on this topic . I expect everyone else already knows this . That a life is certainly less appreciated these days , a life is much more comparable to material objects . Too often this occurs .

I should have realized this fact sooner ... it would have done quite a lot of good . I hope its not too late .

Eh.. ?

Hm.... something's wrong .... . Where is everybody ? Did everyone went somewhere eventful and I was not invited ? I sure hope not , when that happened last time ... yes it happened ... I'm sure someone in this world experienced it too . Now you must think I'm some kind of an anti-social person . I'm not , people seem to misunderstand me a lot . Well , this empty list of IM is sure bothering . I hope someone comes online soon . *wink wink*

Awesome ...I N T E R N E T ?

"Wow "... I said to myself , "all this stuff going through my electronic box" . That was 6 years ago , when I first encountered this phenomenon . And I saw the that I had full control , indeed I did . I just haven't realized that there was much more to explore , this computer. All I did back then were playing games . Awesome games though , it was called ..... hm I can't remember . Okay , back to the topic . The Internet can be explained simply as computers world wide connected via copper wires , literally , copper wires . These wires lengths with distances equivalent across continents but you can read that in Wikipedia , no need for me to explain it eh? Now , all of us could have full control of the computer , yes okay you've said it "But I don't know how." Of course we don't , all the more reason we need to learn .



The fact is , computers almost never cause any error by it's own fault, homo sapiens do . If we command a computer to do anything it will do it . Tell it to cause an error and damage its Master Boot Record Partition ... it will ... . Yes I did that a few too many times but it was out of curiosity . I was 'exploring' , everyone does it . Trial and error is always the best way to go in any situation relating computers for me . Whats my point? You see , most people are intimidated because they say computers are complicated . It may seem so but it is made simple with the latest Operating Systems . Without these we would all be typing our way to the Internet instead of clicking it , and the phrase , "one click away" would not be coined . Let us all explore this wonder instead of shying away from it .

Pathetic , Inferior , Useless

Three words that I could say about me right now . "I should always be positive." I told myself that a lot these days . I can't do those things you asked me . But I should try . I failed . Now it seems pointless . You know what I am referring to . Everyone is ahead of me . I don't I think I could catch up anymore . Anyway , let me tell myself that positivity is the way to go . Nope , nothing happened . Should anyone read this ... it was posted when I was really upset or bored . Probably annoyed by something in life . I should laugh at 'it' and ask for more assaults from life . I think 'it' needs to be annoyed back . I'll think of a way . *Laughs maniacally*

F.E.A.R Combat

FPS (First Person Shooters) has been a genre in games for a long time now , ever since possibly the beginning of interactive video games , for example : Doom . This genre need not explaining , the game environment is shown at the level of the player-controlled character 'eyes' . Most games of this genre are action based , but there are also puzzle solving types with occasional shooting . And F.E.A.R. is one of the many FPS games out there .



F.E.A.R. Combat is a released online multiplayer component of F.E.A.R. , absolutely free to play , violent content and an unforgiving game. Firstly , the game is not for newbies . It will automatically assume you have played other FPS before . Therefore transporting you to a bloody mess as soon you enter a server . Also to mention that the servers are sometime annoying to play in especially when there are cheaters in the server , hackers specifically . Don't let that scare you off , there's more , the gameplay is quick and brutal . Don't expect them to be nice to you even if you are a newbie , most online games don't tolerate newbies that don't stand up on their own feet . Although there are exceptions to help you but rare . Other than that , the action offered in-game is exciting , explosive at times and quite loud but we'll get to that later . If you like fast-paced action.... and I don't mean fast as in CS fast ... I mean really fast then this game is for you . Well , there are occasions that if your lagging in-game then it wouldn't be fast as I've said , pick a good server with the lowest ping you could find and maybe you could have a nice game . Or if that didn't do any good , you could always sue your ISP because of the slow connection . *laughs out loud*



Graphically , this game does pretty good if you can see it , with some latest VGA/GPU card but you probably have now because the game was released in 2006 , so in graphics wise there is minimum problem but that doesn't mean you do not need a graphic card , this game demands that you have one and one at high memory too . The game looks dark and gives you a dark atmosphere as in a horror movie since , well , this game's single player is based on a supernatural storyline . And also be prepared for your character in-game decimated , spiked , beamed and blast to oblivion . All this effects are only able if the effects option is turned on at maximum . There is also a physics mechanics in-game so expect blown bodies and limbs thrown about . In the audio part of the game , it is good compared to other FPS I've played that don't seem to care sound wise if you don't have your own sound card . The game sounds 'silent' as if it is waiting for something to happen , well this is what you would expect from a horror shooter of course . The quality is pretty good , you can expect a rival character coming by anticipating their sound of their shots or their running footsteps . Most of the sounds I anticipated got me frags :P .




All in all , you only need an up-to-date PC preferably this year's devices and your good to go.
It is a good game , maybe a demanding game in PC configurations but nevertheless exciting . Oh , you need to download the free distributed client and get your free serial number from this site to play it . There is also an update . You might want to download the update manually too.

Ahhhh..... What am I feeling right now...?

Either I am really excited of someone I've met or I'm just heading to that same path that really hurts when you walk there... especially when you've been through it over and over again... It all ends up me being single again and again . I am always careful with the opposite sex , I always hope the one I choose might understand me... but yet I was the one that didn't understand myself therefore how could anyone else would understand me . I was really lying to myself , to be so naive that to trick myself so that the one I would cherish the rest of my life to show herself . I am supposed to know that she won't just pass by , and live happily ever after ? It didn't happen to me.... maybe not yet... . And there is this collective chemicals produced in my brain whenever I'm socializing with her making me feel really alive. As if a prove to exist. This feeling seems random and dynamic ... things I've really I have not gotten used to , is it just primal instinct?
I can't put it anywhere , this feeling ... It feels empty yet it is filling in ... it feels pleasant yet impatient .... It feels like falling but you've already landed... . I just can't place it anywhere . It doesn't fit with anything else . For example when I'm happy , I just experience that light tingle to laugh out loud ... or smile widely .... This I know is not the same ..... I know I can't smile widely ... It'll just ruin that feeling .... I could laugh but then what jokes are for..

It was always dangerous emotionally to tread this path... We all know that . It hurts . Its the sense of fear to be rejected and/or not to be accepted . That's the benefit of us being pretty much picky . We block out the potential pain .

In my humble opinion ..... this feeling isn't meant to find the ONE but to make your search harder so it makes it all worth the effort.....

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Published in 2008

Malaysia